


Feel

by Donovanspen



Series: Whumptober 2019 [28]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate prompt: touch-starved, Caring Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sensory Deprivation, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:19:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22040161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: After being held captive, Alec is having a hard time reconnecting.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Whumptober 2019 [28]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1503425
Comments: 18
Kudos: 265





	Feel

Alec took a deep breath and forced himself to focus on the reports in front of him. It hadn’t been that long since lunch, so he knew he still had most of the afternoon left. He could do this. He was in the Institute where his current biggest danger was eye strain from all the paperwork that had piled up in his absence.

He’d only been gone for one week. Only seven days, but with the sensory deprivation, it had felt like months. He had been blindfolded and his hands bound before he was thrown into a small cell. He had been beaten and stripped of his clothes and had been in no condition to fight back. He couldn’t even remember what had happened before he was taken. He had no idea if the others had survived, who had taken him or where. He only knew that he was tired, hungry, aching, and alone.

Nobody had come to check on him or bring food and water for the first few days. When someone finally came, Alec had been filthy and desperate for some type of interaction. His captor untied his hands, and left food and water on the floor. It was days before the cell door opened again, this time by his rescuers.

Alec shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts. He got up to pace around his office, hoping to push back against the panic that he could feel building up. He’d had several flashbacks, but they had been subsiding during his recuperation. Being at home and near Magnus had helped more than anything else. But he couldn’t hide there forever.

Today was his second day back at work. He’d only made it to lunch yesterday before a panic attack had him unable to function for the rest of the day. Magnus understood and had stayed by his side for the duration of the afternoon and into the evening. He was supportive the next morning when Alec tried to bravely face the day. He’d even stopped by and had lunch with Alec earlier, something that Alec was immensely grateful for.

He heard a soft knock on the door and turned just as Jace was poking his head inside.

“Hey,” he called out in a soft voice. “Thought I’d stop by and see how you’re doing.”

Alec knew Jace could sense his distress, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He hated this feeling, but he also craved the comfort of his family.

“It’s a little rough,” he admitted.

“Better than yesterday?” Jace asked, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

“Not by much.”

Jace walked up to him but kept his movements slow and deliberate. He reached out his arm and waited.

Alec immediately stepped into the embrace and clung to his parabatai. Now that he was safe, he didn’t want to let go.

“Easy, Alec. I got you. Try to take slow breaths.”

Alec didn’t know why he’d gotten so worked up other than the thought of comfort had been so overwhelming. There was something about having his family nearby. He was still jumpy around other people. He knew the Shadowhunters at his Institute wouldn’t hurt him even though it had been a Shadowhunter who had kidnapped him. He really didn’t like letting his guard down around anyone, but he could do it with family. Jace and Magnus were the only ones that he allowed to see him like this, though.

“Did something happen?”

Alec let out a shaky laugh. “You mean other than being held captive and locked in a dark cell for a week?”

“Yeah, other than that,” Jace murmured, rubbing his hand up and down Alec’s back.

“No. Just remembering it is all.”

“Ok. It’s going to be all right, Alec. You’re doing well.”

“And about to have a panic attack,” Alec admitted. “I can feel it, Jace. It’s right there.”

Jace pulled back and looked him in the eyes. “Day by day, brother. You made it further than yesterday. It’s ok if you need a break.”

“I don’t know if I can do it.” He couldn’t bring himself to actually say the words. He was a Shadowhunter and the head of the New York Institute. How could he lead his people and bring peace between them and the Downworld if he couldn’t even be within the walls of the Institute without panicking? “I can’t,” he trailed off.

But Jace knew. “You aren’t weak, Alec. You’re stronger than most. You’re already back to work way too soon. The medics and Catarina both think you need to take more time, but you’re too stubborn to stay home. You were here for half a day yesterday, and you’ve made it even longer today. If you want to leave now, you can. I promise nobody will think less of you.”

Alec held out his hand. He was shaking. Jace reached out and took hold and gave his hand a light squeeze. He could do this. He couldn’t let one rogue Shadowhunter undermine everything he’d accomplished. “Just stay for a bit?” he asked.

“Of course.”

Alec made it another two hours with Jace staying in the office with him while he worked. When he left for the day, he decided to walk through the Institute and out the main exit even though he felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable. When he saw Magnus waiting for him on the sidewalk, he felt as if the block of ice in his chest was finally starting to thaw. He resisted the urge to run to his husband but walked over to him and took hold of his outstretched hand so they could walk through the portal together. When he stepped through into the apartment, Alec allowed himself to be pulled into Magnus’s waiting arms.

“I am so proud of you,” Magnus said before pressing a soft kiss against his cheek.

Alec held onto him. He couldn’t stop shaking despite being in the comfort of their home. His eyes burned as he tried to hold back tears. Magnus waited another minute or so before guiding Alec to the sofa.

“Here, have a seat, and I’ll get you something to drink.” He tried to step away, but Alec latched onto his arm. “It’s all right,” he reassured him.

Alec nodded and let go. He sat back and tried taking a few calming breaths. He was too upset to be embarrassed by his neediness. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but right now, touching Magnus was the only thing that truly soothed him. It took everything in him to not follow Magnus into the kitchen. He could do this. It was only for a few minutes. When he was in the loft, it was usually enough that Magnus was nearby. Yes, he reached out for that reassuring touch quite a bit, but he could handle being on his own as long as he knew he could be near Magnus within seconds if needed.

Magnus returned with a steaming mug of tea. He placed it in Alec’s hand and then sat beside him.

Alec placed the cup on the coffee table, but he couldn’t force himself to look at Magnus. He knew that he had to be better and that he couldn’t turn Magnus into his security blanket. But still, right now, he needed the comfort. The words got stuck in his throat, and he could feel his agitation building again.

“It’s all right, Alexander. You don’t have to do it alone.”

He felt Magnus’s hands on his shoulders as his husband eased him into his hold. Alec allowed himself to be guided to lean back against the safety of his husband’s chest. His breathing eased up as Magnus wrapped his arms around him and held him. Alec closed his eyes and breathed in the soothing scent of his husband and allowed himself to just feel. He would be strong later. Right now, he just needed to feel.


End file.
